#idek i just wanna do this shit
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I don’t want to go anywhere else I like it here. I like yall it’s so rare to feel any sense of community in fandom. I just always feel like I’m fucking up whenever I’m in discord it’s so overwhelming and I feel like I never say the right thing. My impulse is always the wrong one etc etc
#but that’s where everyone is now#like. I feel like I’ll get left behind otherwise#the pace is so fast#I’m having fun guys I promise#and I’m like. having such a crappy time at work#its not you guys it’s the medium. I get so overwhelmed#it’s just making things worse in my brain#and I know I invented the clone torment nexus but also sometimes things get Too Torment Nexus but I feel like such an ASSHOLE when I get#precious about the clones. like they exist to be tormented and they’re a community exercise but I feel. confused#it’s like always fun to see when ppl are playing dolls w something that’s partially to do with me but. I feel like I’m just#I’m just There#idek#jan.txt#the problem is I. like. I feel like if I vent to any of you guys abt this one on one that’s shit talking and I don’t wanna do that#but I also can’t talk to my irl friends abt this bc they’re so weird abt me liking Starbreaker
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WALLY WEST JEREMY KNOX AND DICK GRAYSON JEAN MOREAU,
ROY HARPER ANDREW AND JASON TODD ANDREW MINYARD
I WILL DEFEND THIS IF I HAVE TO,
THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK :)
NOOO IM GOING THROUGH MY INBOXES NOW AND THIS WAS WAY DOWN THERE BUT I WANT YOU TO SPEAK YOUR TRUTH BC I NEED A REASON TO LET DC CONSUME ME!!! i only know the wally west x dick grayson dynamic through the young justice show bc i watched the first two seasons with my friend ((which btw broke me and i was so sad i think i only watched s3 and then never even watched s4 😭 need to go rewatch it again actually)
#kevinsdsy’s inbox#anyway if you’re still out there and want to speak your truth PLEASE do#idek roy harper lore#wanna get into dc for jason todd so badly tho bc i keep seeing clips of different shows and films and he just breaks my heart like#if anyone just wants to talk their shit about dc and update me where best to start please do <3333
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ive actually put myself in so many situations and seem to come out doing socially well, youd think at some point i could get it in my head im not irredeemably bad
#that post about dysphoria like ‘u feel like ur covered in slime and people will eventually see the rot’ rly truly hits it#idek if its dysphoria or autism or what at this point#maybe its everything#but shit#ive stayed at hostels and hung out with and chatted w complete strangers#i went back to my hs reunion this week and actually hung out w people i thought didnt fw me anymore#my coworkers generally seem to like me- its felt rare when one didnt which is a shocking percentage#ive maintained friendships with my core group of friends despite living w them for over a year (u know how that can go) and not#being able to participate in like half the activities they do (sex parties i dont wanna attend or im busy at work)#made internet friends. believe it or not there was a time as a teen i thought id never be able to do that!#shit bitch even the guy i like who i constantly worry secretly hates me#and i constantly worry only puts up with me etc#yeah he doesnt always seem to let me in much but he barely lets anyone in?#comparatively he does seem to let me in a lot#i really have to remember to put things in perspective sometimes#just bc im not in my holmes/watson era or facetiming someone all day doesnt mean im a lonely loser……. smh#there was once a time i had no irl friends. I CHANGED THAT. I DID THAT. i can do anything
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chat im really starting to fear that spiderman 4 wont have peter be nearly as sad as i need him to be. nothing at all has happened to indicate that but i just got a bad feeling. im almost completely expecting disappointment atp im just like mj fr
#sorry spideryapping again i cant help it. its in my brain again#saw on tiktok that black cat will be in it and my first reaction was NOOOOOOOOOOOOO bc i just love mj too much im not ready#but also black cat was at the top of my theories. bc it makes so much sense. so i SHOULD be optimistic if theyre thinking the way I think#like. it would cheapen the weight of the last movie if they completely undid the consequences. so they have to be apart for at least 1 movie#and mj and ned are supposed to be in boston at mit so idk how they could be in the plot anyways#and like. black cat makes so much sense bc the whole reason their relationship doesnt work is cuz she likes spiderman not peter#and thats so good for spiderman 4 bc now nobody remembers peter. and also black cat hasnt had any live action appearance yet#AND she comes on really strong so its literally the perfect setup for her#like. itd be weird if peter went looking for a love interest cuz he should be sad but it makes sense that black cat comes onto him#and he needs to meet a new cast beyond his high school friends it makes sense. but mj is endgame always im manifesting it she WILL be back#like black cat being there just suggests all the right directions. they arent immediately undoing the last movie#and theyre introducing more spiderman characters rather than spiderman villains and an obligatory mcu babysitter yk#SO ITS GOOD BUT. FEEL LIKE PURE SHIT JUST WANT MJ BACK#i wanna speed thru the necessary plot without mj to get back to her. mj my beloved#but slso besides all that even if black cat is a good sign. i still fear they wont make him sad enough. i fear the sadness will be offscreen#also i just think its rlly funny. that right when i got into spiderman again after YEARS#i was thinking abt more movies and was like. i think im happy if they stop. idek if i wanna see this peter without his buddies#his story moving forward has to be without them at least for a bit to do his character justice. but i dont need to see it#and then right after i settled on that opinion. BREAKING after 3 years new movie is coming. after i said i didnt want it#ironic (<- palpatine voice)#x
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hmmmm..... i think I'm gonna be a little more strict on my followers/following rules mayhaps. just a little. I did update them by the way... just a bit.
#( ooc )#( tbd )#i don't wanna be a negative nelly or a complainer or anything but if you're following me please do try to interact. no sense in following a#all in that case if you have no intention of doing so / aren't actually interested (?) yk yk#I always come back to tumblr then I always dip because the community is just SO quiet and keeps to themselves and it can be so isolating#and I feel as though many (if not most) people do experience that as well and its ! such a shame honestly#not to be like 'baCK IN MY DAY' but dang bro back in my day we just capslocked and yelled and keysmashed to our hearts content if we were#mutuals on like anything and everything#fuck it lets bring back giant gifs while we're at it why are yall so shy !!#if I'm following you and you're following me!! I wanna interact with you!! I wanna write and chat and talk characters and world build with#you!! I know I'm not exactly the best example of Activity(tm) in the rpc but WOOF baby what the fucky wucky is goin on here#all that being said if im following you I absolutely will comment and like and interact with your shit and I'm both so not sorry and sorry#if thats ?? excessive ? god idek anymore bro how does one tumblr correctly
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I have neither the will or patience to draw a comic at the moment so writing it is (*^▽^*)
#like...I have it all layed out about how I want it to go#I even drew some *very* rough art to go with it#idek if imma finish this damn thing and not just scrap it all together#at most ill prolly just post it here on tumblr and be done with it#but for now pls have this#anyone wanna be my beta reader w/e I do finish it lmao#ALSO I HAVEN'T WRITTEN ANYTHING SINCE THE LAST TIME I DID IN 2021 SO THIS SHIT FINNA BE ROUGH 😭
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YALL A GIRL BOUGHT ME A DRINK YESTERDAY AND I GOT HER NUMBER!!!!
#oni talks#thoughts#idek what else to tag this as but like#raaahhhhbim so excited and happy!!! we swapped Spotifies too and she even asked my sign#also we’re getting together again this Friday! also I’m technically supposed to find other stuff for us to do but im indecisive/unsure what#All she’d like yet?? also I wore like 6inch heels and barely came up to her height#she was so nice and cool!!! and we’re in the same/similar situation!!#also she actually takes some level of initiative which like idk if yall have noticed but that’s lowkey RARE AS FUCK#my one regret that night (aside from the man that broke my purse) is that I forgot what artist she asked me about#it’s funny I was originally gonna leave early but then she appeared!!!#I don’t wanna be TOO hopeful bc it’s early but like!!! I have so many activity ideas!!#also this is really hammering in that I desperately need to clean and organize my place omfg#coz how tf am I gonna invite her over for shit if it’s like this aahhh#also I hope she likes the music I sent/is on my account aahh#she texted me as soon as she left that she wanted to hug me and I just AAAAHHHHHH
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are there rlly people that can like.. make a plan to do their work and then… actually do their work??
bc i would literally give anything (firstborn, kidney, soul, etc etc) to experience that just once ;-;
#like shit if i could actually just do work when i wanted to i’d be so powerful#got the drive just not the execution#i wanna do stuff (ie write a paper or do a project) SO BAD#like it’s not even that i don’t want to or am consciously putting it off#i just literally can’t start until i get a random spark of extra motivation here and there#yes yes i have adhd#i take meds but it’s prob a bit below what i need#it’s just that anything higher starts to make me jittery and worsens other problems#so then here i am at 3 in the morning trying to keep myself up for if i happen to gather up enough motivation#i’m so sleep deprived idek what i’m saying anymore#whole ass rant in the tags#adhd#procrastination#i’m tired#relateable#? maybe#less and less coherent by the second#i also didn’t sleep last night either#neurodivergent
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lowkey. Not over my ex at all
#It’s been months man#And yet I still feel the ever lasting effects#Am k cruel? Manipulative? I don’t think I am but he said I was and I so badly want to believe it#Cuz maybe I’ll actually fix what’s wrong with me and people will actually love me#also s very love sick in the sense that I need someone to be in love with me#But going t4t hasn’t worked out that well for me (cough cough my ex..)#N I don’t wanna fuck up coming out to any cis guys#Which idek if I truly like them or if I’m just so desperate I’ll fall in love with anyone as long as they treat me right#I think one of th things keeping me from getting over him is the fact that he was so affectionate??? And I had gotten so used to that#Constant feeling cuz I never really had it before and now that I don’t have it anymore I don’t know what to do with myself#Not to mention I’m too scared to do all that again because he always wanted more despite my protests#I fucking hate this. How can I be touch starved and repulsed at the same time#I can’t do this shit anymore man. Fuck.#Vent#There r certain people o wish could see this but none of them use tumblr fuck fuck fuck#Me when one had mild crushes on cis guys )okay maybe just one that I don’t even think saw me as a real friend in the one semester k had wit#Him…) but we’re so different and I think he hates me and he’s friends with my friends and ijhhhhwj#I hate hate hate love#Hate being in love. Hate that I can’t be in love. Hate that nobody loves me#I actually cannot take this shit anymore it’s one of the only things that truly ever gets to me anymore
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Writing an essay in swedish when the course literature is in english has me really fucked up like idk if I should use the swedish spellings/variants of names of people/gods/places/concepts etc or if I should use the form of the words that's in the books I'm referencing. Cause it feels weird to write the form of the words used in english in a swedish text but it also feels weird to use different terms than the ones in my source?
#like if the book mentions aesir can I really call them asar without explaining that it's the swedish form of aesir and citing a source?#because to me names like that don't feel as straightforward as just translating any other sentence?#like it's more complex#I know I should just ask the teacher but I don't wanna.#so far I've stuck to names used in the source but it feels weird when I know what the swedish forms are#I just don't know if that would be considered common knowledge or if I'd need a source#since I wouldn't actually be using the terminology from the text I'm citing#idek if the teacher would give a shit either way. I'm probably overthinking it#but like. surely the teacher can't say I did something wrong if I use the version of a gods name written in the course literature?#I mean it's not really 'correct' in swedish but it can't be wrong either right?#it feels safer to do that maybe?#or should I mention in the text that I'm using the version of names used in the sources instead of the swedish forms?#or is that just unnecessary?#😭
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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i may or may not be questioning a whole new ahh religion like how are poeple this dumb but like not dumb because human survival instincts i just dont feel human as a whole but like not in a nonhuman way i just cant explain the major crowd herding happening right now and nobody noticing exept me
idk man its hard for me to put it into words
anyways have a lil speculative dude meant for changing gravity lolol
#goofy goof#doodle#i know this is just my insane declining mental health but#it just feels so real to me#and makes so much sense#i dont want to say too much#i cant even say too much because of the lack of english human words#im just 14 man why do i know this#im supposed to like lisa frank and gossip in highschool and shit#not lay in bed for hours at a time left alone with the horrors my mind comes up with#i like speculative evolution guy#hes cool#idek how i made him#i just thought#like#different things#i wanna go back in time#earth is so small#life is so small to me#i want bigger#but i know i will never get that#no human will ever get the exitement of discovering a new animal#because we have discovered it all already#our space rock is too small for me#i want to go out and see things the human mind and eyes cant even comprehend#im so tired of animal parts#i need more#so much more#never ending more
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i wanna talk to my friends, but when i'm in the situation of actually getting the opportunity to talk to them, i kinda just ... fucking dissociate from them and the conversation, slip back into my own little world and lament on how lonely i am
i appreciate them, i really do, but for some reason i spectate more than i engage in the convo
#💢 kairi rants#(kinda)#like i love making friends#but i'm so shit at conversations#i kinda feel like i have to fake it sometimes or force myself to be social#and i always get mad at myself for it#i wanna change but yk#a habit is very hard to kill#that's not the saying but yk#i love all my friends#i just dunno if they love me or remember i exist#and even if they do#idek if i make a significant contribution to our friend group#i am kind of a bad person huh
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#okay this is the first and last am gonna adress whatever tf is going on#recently I have been receiving anons about a certain blog whom Idek about#and they say all the nasty shit#am so fucking tired coz why am I receiving such things?#the first two I fucking ignored#and now am seeing 3 anonymous saying the same thing about that certain user again and am....just so ???????#@that anon who keeps sending me this stuff please stop it#if you have a fucking problem with that person deal with them properly#not with this shit you do okay?#what do you even get from doing all this besides pissing me off huh?#sheesh#you are a mess and I dont wanna deal with you#fuck off#am so done
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🤡.
#i think i might tell me my bestfriend that i'm bi tonight but idek why i'm so hesitant 🚶🏻♀️#like she is literally bi herself#but we're move in together in some months#and i kinda wanna clarify#but this is sm i have told other ppl before#but not my bestie??#idek why i'm so fucking nervous about tjis#i know she won't give a shit#it's almost like if i do tell her it becomes real ya know#why is it so hard#i don't feel like i can actually be myself and do what i want#so i just shut down and isolate and sometimes tell random ppl#but not her#bc that's too realistic?#idek#i'm already drunk and she hasn't even arrived yet#i guess i'm procrastenating it bc i don't wanna face it yet#bc i actually care about her opinion#tho i know she won't care#and no i have no feelings towards her i'm 100% sure#it's just the heteronormality and fear of being myself#i might chicken out again#idek if she suspects#sigh#i'm so scared to be myself it's ridiculous
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If ur waiting on a reply from me (and i know a couple of folks are rn) thank u for ur patience in waiting. I'm working on typing things up but today is just. idk how to put it but i keep winding up grumpy and my replies i feel are suffering for it. Pls know i do wanna chat and exchange ideas, I'm just trying to make sure the Grumpasaurus Rex side of my brain that's v loud today isn't mucking them up before i send them 🫂🫂❤️❤️
#text post#like it's genuinely nothing just bad takes online some shitty messages in my inbox on here and reddit and not sleeping well at all#attempted a nap i woke up from like tenish minutes ago and it was all a realistic nightmare#in which ct house was somehow connected to nd condo & i kept getting caught on one side or the other at a time#unable to touch or talk to anyone until i was fully on either 'side' for a good while#made the flow of time feel fucked up and i fully expected this to have been a longer nap considering how time felt in there lol#but yeah. I'm trying and im v grateful to y'all waiting for being patient with me. thank u & i promise ill have my shit together soon#(aka might take an edible and just. idek. bake maybe? my brain isn't happy doing anything rn but cookies are always good)#have a potential call with mum later i need to prep for#...worst case scenario i try to nap a bit more and hope i don't wind up stuck in that weird hallway from my dream again#worst bit was the nd cats and my mum and ct cats and Housemate on each side both trying to get me out but couldn't#really don't wanna feel as stuck as i did in this dream but hey!! maybe it's trying to tell me something lmao#not entirely sure what but that's nothing new for me lmao#normally wouldn't post like this for replies but everyone waiting follows me so i figure this reaches everyone easily enough#& hopefully is better/more useful than me going radio silent bc my brain is being a baby abt shit that means nothing lmao
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